Common Mistakes People Will Make During the Zombie Apocolypse

     With one of my favorite new television shows beginning it new season, The Walking Dead, it prompted me to think about some of the events that often happen in zombie movies and/or t.v. shows. Many of us think we know what we will do when Z-Day occurs; not IF... WHEN. It will be the goal of this post to better prepare some of you to survive a little longer. Some will need this information more than others. Make no mistake about it: You know who you are, so pay attention. I don't want to have to be the one yelling at your dead body after I've just removed your ignorant head... Nothing looks worse than a guy yelling at a dead body after he just decapitated it, regardless of how the body got there...

The following helpful thoughts are in no particular, but equally important order. **NOTE** Some of these images are graphic. Not apologizing, just letting you know. **




1. PAY ATTENTION! - This should be Rule Numero Uno. Unfortunately, people on television and movies often seem to think that they are safe after any given event or if nothing is happening immediately around them. Use your ears and eyes on this one, folks. Zombies moan and shuffle and drag their often broken legs and feet around with them. They're uncoordinated and will run into nearby objects. Listen for the tell-tale signs. Word of advice on this one: Most of the zombies who are now attempting to turn you into fast-food, made this same mistake when they were alive. If they were indeed paying attention, then maybe they fell victim to tip #2...




2. ZOMBIES DO NOT REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE! - Classic mistake made in novels and cinema. If your dear spouse hungered for you during life, they will still want to ravish you after becoming a Z, but it gives new meaning to the phrase 'love bite.' Cousin Roy isn't going to see you, snap out of it, and ask to borrow a wet-wipe and a toothpick to remove Aunt Ruth from his teeth. Zombies are reduced to the primal instinct of eating. YOU still have a working brain, USE IT. There will be plenty of time for crying later; just do it quietly. I'm not getting eaten because of your crush on the neighbor living in 3C.



 3. BOOM! HEADSHOT! - One in the head ensures they are dead. Zombies' internal organs no longer function, thus they have no pain synapses to fire when you shoot them in the leg or chest. The only part of the brain that is still working is that small area with the hunger instinct and some semblance of basic motor control. The only way to kill an undead stalker is to pierce the brain, preferably at the stem. DO NOT waste time shooting or stabbing it anywhere else.While you are bashing Patricia Pinata with your broomstick, another Z is likely to join your party and begin its own party by gnawing at the back of your neck... I've seen it a million times... (See photo #1)



 4. DO NOT SAY, "Did you hear something over there?!" AND GO INTO THE DARK, SPOOKY, AND CREEPY AREA!- This also happens way more than it should in movies. I mean, come on. If you've seen a zombie movie in the last 20 years, has anything awesome EVER come out of taking this action? I assure you that NO ONE has ever uttered these words and then followed it with, "Hey! I just found the winning lottery ticket!", "OMG! A double rainbow!" , or "SURPRISE! The zombie apocalypse was just a joke. Well, we had to actually eat your friends and family to make it seem believable, but it worked! You shoulda seen your face!"

Basically, if you encounter a space like this:                                        You should do this:

There is no shame in NOT investigating a strange and eerie space, no matter what those assholes Velma and Fred say.

5.  CHOOSE APPROPRIATE WEAPONS! - For the love of everything good and holy, do not wait until you come across a belt-fed Vindicator BF1  to decide on a weapon. A revolver of almost any make, a handgun with a magazine, or even a rifle will do equal damage if you put the time into learning how to use it properly! (I do advise against anything without a silencer unless it's absolutely necessary. The noise will draw any other Z's who may be near.) All I'm saying is that if you HAVE to use a Louisville Slugger, it'll work. I wouldn't advise it, but it would work. Chainsaws, scythes, katanas, machetes, and many other handheld weapons will do the trick. PLEASE remember to keep the zombie blood out of any open wounds, eyes, mouth, etc. It can pass just as easily this way as it does via saliva. Be smart. Use ranged weapons when possible, but don't get killed simply because Macy's didn't have an automatic AK47 in your size.

6. PACK ONLY THE NECESSITIES! - People often mistake deodorant, toothbrushes, or soap as a necessity. WRONG! You aren't going to the Orlando Holiday Inn, people. Zombies don't need to be attracted by your awesome new perfume to find you. The fact that you are simply alive is reason enough to put you on the menu. In the movies, survivors almost always focus on weapons, which is a good start. However, think a little more into the future. I suggest you pack a bag ahead of time. Though a complete list (or very close to it) can be found in Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide, I'll list some of the more important items: primary weapon and ammo, gun cleaning kit, secondary weapon and ammo, knife, flashlight, emergency flares, signaling mirror, full canteen, 2 ways to make fire, hiking boots, bedroll, daily rations, and two pair of socks. This is an abbreviated list. Keeping these items in a backpack will help you whether you have to stay put or get on the road.

I'm sure I'll get back to this subject later on. It seems like me and zombies go together like Jack and Coke, ham and eggs, Cagney and Lacey, well, you get the idea. Stay safe, keep your bug-out bag handy, stay alert, and we'll meet up over at the old Johnson farm when the shit hits the fan.

The Lawnmower Man

   About 2 months ago, my lawn mower decided to take an unscheduled, unexcused leave of absence. Luckily for me, Tennessee suffered through a fairly dry summer. My front yard is basically rocks underneath about 3/10 inch of dirt, so the baked grass was manageable. However, the backyard is apparently the original site of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and I could still grow pineapples out there in the middle of winter... It's ridiculous, annoying, and is more trouble than trying to keep a fucking Kardashian happy.

   Anyway, the downside to being a teacher (don't you like the fact that I say it as though there were only one downside to being a teacher?) is that I am at work during the normal operating hours of any other business. The exception is that they actually get paid for being there... So, since this is my Fall Break, I decide that this week is THE week to get my mower fixed. In doing so, I made a few observations that I had not expected, and one or two that I did. In no particular order, they were:

Observation #1: People who have no REAL JOB, shouldn't put out signs stating that they are capable of taking on the responsibilities that come with having a real job.

If I pass by your sign daily that says you do small engine repair, I am under the impression that this must be your job. If I call your business line and you answer the phone because it just woke you up
at 12-fucking-30 in the afternoon, take your sign down (if it doesn't "mysteriously burn on the roadside overnight." Yes, I can light a match.) This is exactly the kind of people who raise children to
think it's acceptable to lie on tax returns and turn old toilets into garden planters. I'm not asking for much; just a little truth in advertising. When I ask you if you are still doing small engine work (because, now, I'm wondering if your sign is a cover for a meth ring) and your response is, "Maybe. Depends on the engine," I am doubting your ability as well as the fact that when I return to pick up my mower, I'd like to not have to be told, "Dude. That was yours? We just turned it into a garden planter..." (Yeah, I used that damn reference again. In my defense it's only to reiterate the size and scope of societal deviant we are discussing here.) I hang up the phone, annoyed, but confident that there has to be someone else who can do what I need done.


Observation #2: People who have a real job, should NOT (in most cases), attempt to perform that profession while inebriated.  



I reckon I could take a gander at that engine...
Mmmm hmm.

I decide that Option 1 isn't going to work for me since I would enjoy actually getting my mower back, after being fixed or not.  I move on to Option 2: Look in the phone book for someone who performs this task openly and confidently enough to advertise. I need to go on record here with something. Yes, I enjoy drinking. Do I normally drink with the intent to forget several hours of my life? No. Drinking has its place in my life. It fits comfortably between work and writing research papers with a few other exceptions. Within SECONDS, I realize one of two things: A) This guy is about to write a thesis on the origins of internal combustion engines, or B) He has mistakenly passed out by the phone and my ringing it caused him to forget where he was an answer it. This is a multiple choice test I'm pretty sure I passed. After being unsure about how to tell me to find his shop (I HAD to ask. Call it 'double-checking my answer'), I got pissed and hung up the phone in the middle of what I can only imagine was the last, futile, drunken attempt to regain control of his voice. This observation leads me to believe that there are indeed people capable of performing their jobs, but just don't give a shit anymore. I can only relate this to burnt out teachers, politicians, the managers at ANY Applebee's, and, well, lawn mower maintenance professionals.




Observation #3: Some of the last few people we can count on are the same group of people that we have always counted on: the mom and pop shops that actually still have pride in their work.

The only people we can depend on is the generation that won't even exist in 15 years. This is something I have known for a while now. I finally called the LAST NUMBER in the phone book, which is an established business that's been around for over 47 years. Shame on me for not calling them first. After calling and talking to the most kind older gentleman (who was flat honest with me: "Just bring it on in. We'll get to in in 3,4, 5 days and letcha know what it'll run ya." I like it. Be there tomorrow.

It's painful to watch us collapse as a people, but imagine how hard it must be for that generation to watch. They have had to endure the constant nagging and bitching of the last 2 generations about how their cars aren't as good as their neighbors and how it's such a nuisance to wait on an email to arrive, especially when I know people who walked to school, yes WALKED, and couldn't afford the STAMP to get a letter to someone they wanted to talk to. This nation is becoming/has become a society full of entitled, codependent, do-nothings. Maybe I should move to Canada... eh?
Until next time, RANT ON [OFF]