1000 Things I Hate: #6

#6. WAL-MART, A.K.A. SATAN'S ANUS

     Cameron and I went shopping last night. I only needed about 10 things, so I mistakenly decided to go to Wal-mart for a "quick in-and-out." (Yes, apparently I have early onset dementia.) There were a few red flags that I threw aside haphazardly. 
 

#1) I found a parking spot close to the door. We all know that feeling of triumph as we pull into one of those coveted spots designed to keep fat people fatter and to make the entitled feel like they have claimed their rightful throne in the Kingdom of Rejects.
 

#2) Upon walking into the checkout area, I notice that there are no less than TEN self-checkout stations open. All are currently at capacity and hold lines of approximately 10 people each. Also, these stations are being 'managed' by a girl who clearly didn't drive to work, as it is illegal for 14 year olds to drive in Tennessee. (Yes, nit-pickers, she could've had a hardship license.... STAY FOCUSED!)
 

#3) The other checkout lines were AT LEAST 10 people long; ALL with full buggies! Oh, I nearly forgot to mention: When I said "other checkout lines," this means BOTH of the other checkout lines... Yes, two of them. On a Saturday night. In Cleveland.

This list could go on for another hour... nearly as long as my in-and-out took. I only got 12 things, people! I waited for 22 minutes for TWELVE ITEMS. I have spared you the details of the fashionably challenged, the socially troubled, and the parents who failed to give their children any hope for being functional parts of a society. With that, I will say, "I HATE YOU, SAM WALTON".... and leave you with a few representations of my visit that are eerily similar to my experience.

 

1000 Things I Hate: #5

#5. PEOPLE WHO USE KID LEASHES BECAUSE THEY ARE      CRAP PARENTS WHO SHOULD'VE JUST HAD DOGS

Let's just get something out of the way: If you use a leash to control your kid, or your vicious pack of wild children, then this may or may not be a good read for you. Please don't try to give me a good reason for why you do it. "But, Derrick! It's just so stressful when we go out in public!" "I'm just afraid that my kid may spontaneously run out into traffic!" Well, to you, Madam, I say, perhaps Darwin was onto something...


<------   Check out this uber example of douchebaggery to your left. "Life is sooo hectic. I mean, how could I ever walk my dog AND take my kid out... while I'm trying to order takeout? You can't expect me to make a phone call, walk my dog, AND pay attention to my kid all at the same time, do you?" No. No I do not, you cerebrally-challenged wad of incompetence. What I do expect is you to prioritize you life starting with leaving the damned dog at home, get off your fucking cell phone, and pay attention to your kid. I understand you probably went through the drunken trouble of all of 4.5 minutes to create that life, but it's here now and you are expected to be some kind of responsible for it.

Seriously, I know it's a hard-line stance here, but it just takes some common sense. Nearly every single person I see using these damned things are people who are too self-important, too concerned with what THEY, and not their child, are doing, or people who are just too lazy to put forth any effort to paying attention to their kids. Like the two winners posted below.
NOTE: These picture were not taken at or near a local Wal-Mart, but I couldn't argue a case that they were near one.

My point for this being a "Thing That I Hate" is this; kids are beings who need to be shown attention. By attention, I am not talking about the whoring, goin' clubbin' every night to find a hook-up, my-daddy-didn't-love-me attention that some of their parents need. I'm talking about attention that goes into explaining life's intricacies. Kids do not know until they are told. Take some time to tell them WHY you always say "please" and "thank you." Tell them HOW the magic doors open at the grocery store without having to use a handle or push a button! Talk to them about WHERE they would like to go, whether it be the zoo, or McDonald's, or a visit to Papaw and Granny's house. Discuss a time WHEN you made a mistake, recognized it, and corrected it (hopefully, it was that time you read this and decided to take off the leash that you had on them). And most importantly, talk to them about WHO they want to be when they grow up, not what they want to be. Being a compassionate, caring, loving, helpful, and responsible person is far more important than just letting them tell you they want to be a fireman. (That's a blog for another time.) Don't say I didn't warn you. One day you may be the next internet meme:

 

 

1000 Things I Hate: #4

#4. PEOPLE WHO CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW TO USE THERE, THEIR, THEY'RE

We all know that person who is completely incapable of using the words they're, their, and there correctly. If you don't know anyone like this, then YOU are the friend who can't use it correctly. (Sorry.) It really is one of the most annoying things I see. I debated about ranting on this because I have a lot of friends who do this. However, I have a few who don't hesitate to call me out on my misuse of the language (I'm eyeballing you, Jim Davis), so I decided to move forward.

I actually get angry when it happens. It's an easy thing to remember. I mean, where the hell were these people during English class when teachers were going over this?



I'm gonna break it down so that you can share this with your friends who apparently were eating glue and shoving crayons up THEIR noses while THEIR teachers were trying to get this across in third grade.

RULE #1: See the orange highlights? That is the appropriate use of the word THEIR. When using the spelling THEIR, it is in reference to something that belongs to someone else; it is THEIRS. This is the toughest of the rules to learn, admittedly. That being said, I taught this to 3rd graders with very little issue. People who choose not to learn this rule, should have THEIR ability to type, text, and write horribly mangled love notes to THEIR significant other taken away from them.

RULE #2: This is an easy one. THERE is a reference to a location, place, or state of being. "I parked my car over THERE." "We'll see you THERE." "THERE are some things we need to talk about." An easy way to tell your friends about this one is that the word HERE is hidden in it! Ooooo! Aaahhh! Here AND there are places. So, use the word that has HERE hidden in it when referring to a place.

RULE #3: THEY'RE gonna love you for teaching them how to use this awesome contraction! THEY'RE is a contraction that brings together and shortens the two words "THEY ARE." The easiest to learn is THEY'RE. When your friend wants to use this word, make sure they break it down and see if it makes sense. "THEY'RE asleep during language class" can be translated as "THEY ARE asleep during language class." If it works, you've got it!


I know what you're thinking; "Man, Derrick is being a dick about
this." Absolutely. Ignorance, I can forgive. Stupidity, I can't. Knowing the basics of your own language is a must. We are the only major, industrialized country that doesn't have a national language. It's ridiculous (and another topic for another day). That being
said, it doesn't give people the excuse to look like fools when they don't know the rules of their native language. Just remember; it's one thing to not know any better. It's another thing to be stupid and choose to not learn. Just ask Ron White. He'll tell you, too

1000 Things I Hate: #3

#3. THE NEW YORK YANKEES

It's not that I am against winning (after all, I DO like Charlie Sheen). It IS, however, that I am against buying wins. Steinbrenner was a genius. He had it all figured out: Make a ton of money by any means necessary, have a decent team to start with, and plug holes by paying an asinine amount of money to players to fill said holes (many of which are mediocre at best). The Yankees are the most celebrated team in baseball history. Much of that they have earned. Mantle, Gehrig, Berra, DiMaggio; all true Yankees from the system up. I can respect that. What I refuse to respect is paying to win. I do get some joy out of the Yanks' deep pocket blunders. Signing Carl Pavano a few years ago (just to keep him out of Boston) cost them $40 million. He won 4 games in 26 starts. They would lose the bid to Daisuke Matsuzaka (also to the Red Sox), but would shell out $20 million for 5 years to Kei Igawa (Who?... Exactly.). He would go on to a 2-4 record and an ERA over 10. I suppose there are some small joys in life.

If you are a Yankee supporter, and can sleep well at night knowing that if you had the bank account of say, the Brewers, you would be terrible, then good for you. I'm happy for you. However, I feel it necessary to agree with my little friend here...

1000 Things I Hate: #2

#2. PEOPLE THAT SAY "LIKE" BEFORE EVERY WORD

There is nothing more annoying than talking to someone who spends 13 minutes telling a 4 minute story. What makes up the other nine minutes? A small word. A word of comparison. A word expressing similarity. That word is: Like. We used to make fun of the stereotypical Cali girls who would be, like, so annoying. Somewhere, as a culture, people assimilated this word into their everyday conversation. I am of the opinion that there are a few reasons why people, like, say like, like, waaay too much.



Easy on the eyes. Hard on the ears.

Reason 1: People need a placeholder to think of what they are going to say next. Think about how many times during speeches that people use "Umm," "Well," and other useless sounds to create a gap to think about what they will say next. Some even use it in conversation.

Reason 2: People, like, seriously have, like, nothing interesting to say. Some people feel as though adding words and making what they have to say longer, makes them sound more important. It doesn't. You sound like a fucking idiot. "Like, dude, like that really hurt my feelings. I'm, like, a little mad that you feeling, like, like that about me." Don't be mad. Get a dictionary, something interesting to say, and come talk to me. I'm sure we'll patch things right up.

There's probably another reason or seventy-three. If you have one, feel free to tell me. Just don't, like, use 'like' to get your point across. (See above.)

1000 Things I Hate: #1

  I'm not sure how to start this out. I am quite sure, though, that I do indeed hate one thousand things. I will be updating this frequently (hopefully). We'll see where it goes.


#1. WAKING UP 3 MINUTES BEFORE THE ALARM

       Seriously?! This has got to be one of life's biggest practical jokes. You're right in the middle of quite possibly the best dream ever. THE most amazing thing is about to happen; you're watching Batman ride a mechanical unicorn over a sea of playful dolphins, about to finally make out with Milla Jovovich, watch Kobe Bryant actually go to jail for ass-raping that chick in Colorado...

You get the idea. It's all about to come together, then... your eyes fly open, you lay there looking around, wondering where you are, and you quickly glance at the clock to see if you've overslept!

Well, you avoided that bullet, only to then have another though cross your mind: 'Maybe if I close my eyes fast enough, I can go back to the dream!' Just as you are about to go back under... 

WHA!-WHA!-WHA!-WHA! DAMNIT! Now the alarm is blaring and you have to pee like you've held it for a month. /sigh

On top of all of that, I feel exhausted just from waking up...

Winds of Change

     Change is difficult. For some of us, it's more difficult. We like routines, schedules, a sense of normalcy. We like having, meeting, and being able to meet expectations. We like knowing that, when everything around us falls apart, the steadfast routines that we've created as part of our lives will remain in tact and give us something to hold to until the winds of the storm die down and we can come out of the shelter we've taken refuge behind. So, what happens when the change is not the approaching storm, but the shelter that we took comfort in knowing would protect us?

     Life is fluid. For some of us, it's more fluid. We can't all hold the same job for 30 years and retire taking solace in the fact that we scraped by, did what had to be done, and were able to hand the reins over to the next kid to do our job for the next thirty. Some of us marry early thinking that we've got everything figured out and that this is who we are supposed to be with forever. It works, until one of you decides that the paint on the white picket fence doesn't shine quite as brightly as it used to. Not everyone is gets to forge lifelong friendships wherein they see and meet with and enjoy the company of their friends and their friends' families as the calendar pages turn year after year, building memories and sharing more stories than could ever be remembered and told while sitting around a campfire. People change, friends move, both physically and emotionally, differences arise, and those we held dearest to us often become those we have pushed farthest away.

     Love is hard. For some of us, it's harder. We are closed-off. Our walls are high either by choice or because someone has caused us to build them higher every time someone has broken them down. We all aren't optimists. The good in people is more difficult to see; it's easier to find ways and reasons to keep people out than it is to let them in. That is our rock and our comfort; knowing that we are in charge of who gets in and out. The hardest part of love is figuring out what to do when the person who tears down the walls was the person you willingly let in and not the person trying to get in. Once they're in, they know you; your likes, dislikes, secrets, regrets, hopes, dreams, aspirations, feelings, what you're thinking when you run your hands through your own hair or chew on your fingernails, what you worry about when you lie in bed, and, though you've said nothing and tears are racing down your face and into your pillow, how you like to have your back rubbed or just a hand on your head to let you know that they know.

     In the end, we all travel our own paths. Some of us walk the road, paved by the millions who've gone before us. Others cut their own through the fields that no one else bothers to look twice at, unafraid of what lies ahead. Neither path is wrong. And, in the end, they all lead to the same place; a hole in the ground and a stone headpiece that no one will care about in 30 years.

     Henry David Thoreau said, "The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it." Some of us, metaphorically, live more expensively than others. Some will die penniless and wonder why we spent so much on so little. Hopefully, when we look back, we'll all know that what we paid for life was worth what we got out of it.